We have been having out big discussions on our three hour drives to Oklahoma City. We perform at a theatre there regularly, and we enjoy the drive. Mostly because I never know what we'll talk about. One drive we talked about babies (Did I tell you we are expecting a son?). Another we reiterated that our political and religious beliefs are so bizarre to everyone else but nearly identical to each other. Another we talked about what we really need for the baby. Another we talked about capital punishment.
What Bryan said in the car last weekend has just stuck with me. It resonated, and I am taking time to really consider all the implications of what this means. And whether it truly reflects how we feel.
"Maybe We're Not Those People"
Bryan applied for jobs last fall, but we centered our search on South Carolina and Florida - which limited his opportunities to a handful. We felt that we wanted to be around family, to be within driving distance. This was about the time Bryan's mom was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.
We have been pretty satisfied with our lives in Oklahoma aside from the lack of Target and missing hustle/bustle culture. Our jobs are great, our house is decent, our improv is great, our marriage is sweet, and our bank account is the best it's ever been. We were disappointed this spring when Bryan's job opportunities fell through, but the more we think about it, with a baby on the way and my new job, the more staying where we are as been the right thing.
So where does that leave us for this fall? Do we want out? Sure.
Bryan asked me, "How important is it that we move to a school near family?" My immediate reaction was, "Very!"
Then he did his economist thing that he always does where he asks, "If we were choosing between two jobs, one close to family and one somewhere else, how much more would I have to make at the far away job to be worth it?"
(Note: I sort of hate it when he does this because it makes me really think about what I'm saying. But it's good for me to think about what I say. And it's good for Bryan to understand the intensity of my feelings...or the frivolity.)
We bargained back and forth, and I realized that it wouldn't take much more of a pay increase on Bryan's salary for me to think it was worth it to live farther away. Which led to Bryan saying the phrase, "Maybe we're not the kind of people that live near family."
What?
And then when I stopped rejecting the idea and thought about it, I realized he's right.
We have lived away from family for several years now, and I have lived away from mine since 2005. We are the far away brother and sister, the far away kids. That's who we are. We're the far away family.
We enjoy travel, we are great at packing, at flying, at driving, at planning vacations. We can't handle family for very long, and we are (very) different from our families. If we lived close to family, our entire life would change. We would feel pressure to attend family gatherings, to spend less time with friends or at festivals, to include them in more of our lives.
We would lose our favorite part of our marriage: our privacy.
We have the luxury of skype and phones and cheap airfare to stay in touch with family. We also have the luxury of being able to take advice, roll our eyes and never use it. We can say, "Oh tickets are too expensive," and pass on family events that we don't want to attend. We can spend our money and our time how we like. We can stay out late with friends every weekend. We can spend Sunday mornings how we like. We can do whatever we like. We can enjoy our freedom!
And I think he's right. I value our freedom over our access to family. And so does he.
Does that make us assholes? Nope. Does that make us awesome? Probably. Maybe we're not those people that live near family. Maybe we don't even want to be.
Ware us, and we are in control of our lives and the choices we make. We're those people.
